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The Query is In

And yours truly has some serious work ahead of her.

I expected it though. What I did not expect was to catch some issues with the book as well as I re-read the query. Example: referring to Giancarlo, my main Archangel, as The Commander of the Holy Army throughout the whole novel instead of ever really using his name. The position is one he assumed from his mentor Archangel Michael, the original Commander. While I thought that was clear, it seems that it has confused a beta reader or two as well as the editor of the query. Looks like I need to get in there and fix that issue ASAP.

If you have ever wondered what an edited query looks like you can check out the selections at Query Shark. Nobody gets out unscathed nor should we. We declare ourselves writers and as such we need to be better than we already think we are.  We also have rules we need to follow. Clearly I missed some. And since I am a thick-skinned bitch here is my initial query with the comments in capital letters from the editor.

The Creators of Good and Evil have become bored. Their most loyal subjects/inhabitants have begun to brace themselves at the signs of impending mischief [WHO IS COMMITTING THE MISCHIEF EXACTLY? THE CREATORS?]: a mixed species here, a fist fight between dead authors there. Just another day in the Holy Kingdom, but there are more dangerous undercurrents at play. [AFTER RE-READING THE QUERY, I AM NOT SURE HOW THIS FIRST PARAGRAPH ADDS MUCH. YOU NEED TO IMMEDIATELY ESTABLISH THE UNUSUAL SETTING, THEN GET AROUND TO THE MAIN PLOT & CONFLICT BETWEEN MICHAEL AND SAMAEL, BECAUSE IT FEELS SCANT AS OF NOW]
Long time adversaries, the Archangels Michael and Samael [COMMA] have been kept apart for centuries HERE IN THE AFTERLIFE, but their descendants are about to BREAK THEIR UNEASY TRUCE. The charismatic and righteous Commander of the Holy Army can no longer tolerate The Angel of Death’s constant meddling into his affairs. Receiving no assistance from Higher Powers, he confronts her, warning her of the consequences. [INTERESTING, BUT WHERE DO THEIR DESCENDANTS COME INTO PLAY? WHAT, SPECIFICALLY, ARE THESE "CONSEQUENCES" FOR SAMAEL?]

Unafraid, she dares him to destroy her and the chase begins. Caught up in their own feud, their actions lay groundwork that will unleash a Pandora's box of hidden secrets and hypocrisy among those closest to them [RE-DO THE WHOLE LAST SENTENCE, AND DON'T BE GENERAL/VAGUE. BE SPECIFIC, AND EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN].


The mistakes became pretty obvious once I read his commentary and I am prepared to tackle them.
My big-ass humble thanks to Chuck Sambuchino for doing God's work. Writer's like me need to see their foul ways and improve their skills so paying a professional to have a gander at what I wrote has been key. This has honestly been one serious learning curve and as tough as it has been, I would never shy away from the criticism. There is no reason to turn down the challenge to be a better writer so it is on me to get my tush in gear and hit it out of the park. GAME ON BABY!

NOTE: While I do ramble in my blog, I swear my books are waaaaaaaay more coherent. Seriously.

Have a great weekend.

Cheers!
MissFifi


Comments

  1. Books??? Books!!! C'mon, spill... share with those of us (me) who are late to the game!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fledgling writer here. Sent out some queries. got rejections so decided it was time to get help. Honestly, my former queries were crap. LOL

    ReplyDelete

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