Amazing how cathartic it was to spread my emotional carnage and get it out. Granted I am not 100%, but I feel much better.
First off, I must thank the person who realized that swaddling a baby would make them settle down and sleep. Last night was a gift of calm baby who realized night is sleep time. Fingers crossed that it works again tonight.
Second, I feel more empowered to assert myself when it comes to the baby and that is a very good thing. No I am not being nasty or fresh, just "Mama".
Since that has been addressed, it is time to put those raw side and move on to some cool and interesting posts I have come across instead.
There is a lot going on in my head at this moment.
As a new mom I am trying to get to know my child and get into a groove. Two weeks of his life was spent in the NICU and once he came home we were overjoyed. Here was this little person that had come into our lives and we were going to have this wonderful time of discovery. While this has happened to a degree, it has been somewhat hindered by the almost concluded two week visit from the in laws.
I could go into heavy detail, but then that could end up biting me on the ass so to prevent that insanity I have decided to only discuss the emotional roller coaster I am riding.
One minute I am ready to laugh and sing, the next I want to scream and leave the house with my child and pets. Yes hormones are not a fun thing, but it is exacerbated when people who are supposed to help you out choose to question your every step instead. I am under scrutiny so any trick or thing we want to try to get our baby to sleep or eat is always nit picked. I am on the edge of a very sharp knife emotionally. My own abilities are called into question not just by these two adults, but by myself. How awful to think you are suddenly an incompetent person. It is bad enough that I cannot edit my book with proper speed and talent, I now have to wonder if I can bathe my child with skill.
This sucks man.
I have hit the wall. My patience is at an end along with any shred of emotional strength or dignity I ever had. My husband is put in a very bad position having to deal with all of us. He is very supportive and this is why he is my rock.
Mentally my brain has been sucked dry. No longer do I have the confidence I started with. I am breaking down, wishing I had an outlet, a way to escape, but alas, my discomfort is here to stay.
You have to give it to get it my friend.
Let me add that no one, under the emotional turmoil we have been through with the baby in NICU and some ongoing issues, wants to be questioned at every turn as they try to set up a system that works best for them. It's as if someone keep throwing tacks down on the floor as you run with bare feet. Every step hurts and in the end, it is your fault for being so darn clumsy and walking that way.
Sure I could use all this material and angst for a book, but I do not like where I am. This place is ugly, dark, depressing and repressive. I want to leave it and find my way again. I need to be allowed to blossom into this beautiful new role of mother. Hell, I WANT to blossom. Soon, I keep thinking, soon I will be able to come into my own, but my patience is very, very thin. Wait, it is not thin, it is nonexistent. God give me strength.
And as I type, "Shawshank Redemption" is on and of course, I am crying. Damn movie.
When I was a young gal I used to watch the television show. I can definitely say that The Addams Family and The Munsters encouraged my love of all things dark and macabre. There was something incredibly alluring about Morticia Addams and Lily Munster. I really wanted to be these women dressed in black, adorned with bats and . This may be why my mother was not so surprised when I traveled down the punk and gothic path of my youth. But enough of this.
Over the years, Charles Addams had his creepy, kooky cartoon family appear in The New Yorker. I really should purchase a collection of works since I do get such a kick out of them. Plus they are right in line with my other favorite demented illustrator/writer, Edward Gorey. The Gashlycrumb Tinies were introduced to me by someone in college and ever since then I have been a huge fan. Let me recommend if you are ever visiting Cape Cod you stop at the Edward Gorey House. It was a divine experience.
People who pursue the quirkiness in life will always keep us entertained. I hope to one day achieve at least half of what Addams and Gorey have when it comes to delivering a good, twisted time.
Sorry things have been hectic here as our child decided to be born on Christmas Day as opposed to January 2nd. Already a troublemaker. That is my kind of kid. ;-)
Anyway, this New Year's wish post from Neil Gaiman is just perfect and gets a ditto from me.
I have also been trying to find time to edit my novel and get it up on Amazon. All in due time.
I finished reading I, Lucifer. I enjoyed the story and there were sections of the novel that were very funny. Lucifer is the narrator and he is saucy. God offers him a spot back in heaven but first he must live in a suicide victims body for a month and be human. There were times it was raunchy and went off the rails of the crazy train, thank you Ozzy, but I would have liked a little more debauchery. It is certainly not a novel for everyone, but that could be an interesting New Year's resolution. Read a book or two that you would normally pass up. I should take my own advice and I think I shall. Keep in mind that I am not encouraging anyone to go out and read crap, but then again, why not? Sometimes a book that makes you want to vomit across the room can be fun. Right?