There is a lot going on in my head at this moment.
As a new mom I am trying to get to know my child and get into a groove. Two weeks of his life was spent in the NICU and once he came home we were overjoyed. Here was this little person that had come into our lives and we were going to have this wonderful time of discovery. While this has happened to a degree, it has been somewhat hindered by the almost concluded two week visit from the in laws.
I could go into heavy detail, but then that could end up biting me on the ass so to prevent that insanity I have decided to only discuss the emotional roller coaster I am riding.
One minute I am ready to laugh and sing, the next I want to scream and leave the house with my child and pets. Yes hormones are not a fun thing, but it is exacerbated when people who are supposed to help you out choose to question your every step instead. I am under scrutiny so any trick or thing we want to try to get our baby to sleep or eat is always nit picked. I am on the edge of a very sharp knife emotionally. My own abilities are called into question not just by these two adults, but by myself. How awful to think you are suddenly an incompetent person. It is bad enough that I cannot edit my book with proper speed and talent, I now have to wonder if I can bathe my child with skill.
This sucks man.
I have hit the wall. My patience is at an end along with any shred of emotional strength or dignity I ever had. My husband is put in a very bad position having to deal with all of us. He is very supportive and this is why he is my rock.
Mentally my brain has been sucked dry. No longer do I have the confidence I started with. I am breaking down, wishing I had an outlet, a way to escape, but alas, my discomfort is here to stay.
You have to give it to get it my friend.
Let me add that no one, under the emotional turmoil we have been through with the baby in NICU and some ongoing issues, wants to be questioned at every turn as they try to set up a system that works best for them. It's as if someone keep throwing tacks down on the floor as you run with bare feet. Every step hurts and in the end, it is your fault for being so darn clumsy and walking that way.
Sure I could use all this material and angst for a book, but I do not like where I am. This place is ugly, dark, depressing and repressive. I want to leave it and find my way again. I need to be allowed to blossom into this beautiful new role of mother. Hell, I WANT to blossom. Soon, I keep thinking, soon I will be able to come into my own, but my patience is very, very thin. Wait, it is not thin, it is nonexistent. God give me strength.
And as I type, "Shawshank Redemption" is on and of course, I am crying. Damn movie.