Saturday, June 5, 2010

Resentful

There is a word that conjures up ugly visions.

But I am.

I am very resentful of my handicapped dog and I hate my whole being for it.

I have mentioned before she has cerebellar hypoplasia. She does have a wheelchair to get around in, but when she is not in that, she is on the couch and becomes the couch police. When people come to visit, we put her in her wheels, she barks incessantly because she wants them to know she is here and she hates when people get up and move as she does not comprehend they will be right back. All I really want is for everyone to understand this. She is not mean, she is not bad, she has issues, she is handicapped.
Before she had her wheels she would roll on the floor and hit her head. She does have concussions and Lord only knows what that has done to her little brain. It is not just her disease I resent, I resent that no one we know really likes our dog because of her little yapper and her lack of training, yes we tried, but obviously not hard enough.
She has been called vicious, crazy, and a myriad of other names. I call her the Jack Russell Terrorist, but I only feed the machine, I am not helping.
We put off numerous trips to people's vacation homes, even visiting family and friends in Europe or California because no one can or will watch her. I try to convince myself that it is okay, I have been fortunate to travel a lot in my life, but there are days where I just want to scream until my lungs burst.
Some may say see if the vet can take her and watch her. Kennelling costs an arm and a leg so the next best solution is to just take her with us. We are hoping we can rent a place in North Carolina next summer that way she can come with and we can have an actual vacation.
I am always terrified to bring her to other people's houses because there is already a preconception that she will bark too much, maybe bite and just be an all around pain in the ass. I help facilitate that as well as I will not go places or being her anywhere for fear of never being invited back.
My own in laws hate our dog and so they are not keen on us coming to visit because we would bring her. The comment usually is, "She barks too much."
I have friends with special needs children and I am sure they have ten times the aggravation and stress I do. I know what they go through with people staring, judging and trying to get through the day to day with children that cannot vocalize is heartbreaking. This makes me feel like an ass for even venting on a blog, but I have to. I cannot really complain to anyone because they do not have an inkling what this has been like for us. Not everyone wants to stand in someone else's shoes.
We love our dog, love her to pieces and it sucks that she cannot just stand up and go get water or go outside. She has no idea she has an issue, she was born this way. As much as we have tried to quell the barking it has never worked. She is smart, she knows her perimeters on the property, knows not to go in the street. She knows her name, but she still has moments of uncertainty and her behavior can turn from nice to fresh. And yet, I have begun to resent her. Because no one else sees her as anything but a pain, a burden. What a wonder it would be if someone would just see she is pretty cool and not that bad. When people see her picture they think she is so cute and they feel bad for her. A photo is easy. They do not have to interact with her and so they do not hear her bark.
I hate the people who forced her on us and never helped out once, one of them was even a veterinarian. We no longer speak to them due to different circumstances, but I hate them for this just the same.
This is not an end of the world situation, I know that, but it has taken a toll on us more than it should. At least it has on me and I just needed to get that off my chest.

Cheers,
MissFifi

2 comments:

  1. Ohhh, don't think everyone hates your doggie! I happen to think she is a fine lady! She's ballsy, cute as a button and super fun to watch when she's playing with her ball outside. She's a great snuggler too! Yes, she is barky, but so what? You live in a great area for barky dogs :)
    Yes, it sucks the way she was left to you, but no one ever said earning your angel wings would be easy LOL. Keep the faith!

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  2. I think you're great for looking after a dog like that. It's difficult enough looking after a healthy dog, but one who needs care? I feel for you and for the dog - poor thing. Imagine - she's only a critter, how can she understand and I'm sure she wants to run and play outside, just like other dogs. Keep faith my dear.

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