Saturday, April 17, 2010

Meltdowns and Rants

We all have them.

I myself used to be prone to them much more when I was younger and to all my ex-boyfriends, I am very sorry. That being said, I just had one last night. I am not proud of it mind you, but like most people, I don't always want to keep things neatly bottled up. Whether I can rectify the situation is irrelevant at the moment, hence why it is called a meltdown. They release is very cathartic and necessary, but my moment of meltdowndom last night was thwarted by my beloved. We were in the car in the garage and I had finally had enough and started to raise my voice and he nipped it in the bud and suggested me go inside. "Good for him" you are saying, but that is not so good for me. Once we were in the house for about fifteen minutes, he suggested I continue my rant. Rants/Meltdowns can not happen on cue unless I am an actor getting paid bank. This only infuriated me more, made me swallow it all back up and proceed to engross myself in my writing. What was my meltdown about?

Money. I will explain in detail.

I had enjoyed my spa weekend but my one darling friend finds the ultimate relaxation in going outlet shopping. This does not relax me. It only irritates me and freaks me out. Sure when I was younger I was a big shopper but I also had a job and made money and had to get dressed. I will not be wearing my Sunday best while typing a chapter of my novel on the couch. Needless to say, I was happy to see my friends happy as they shopped with abandon, but I was not having a very good time. I did get a pair of nice Levi jeans for only $13.00 and that was awesome because I have a hard time paying a lot of money for jeans and Levi's being an excellent brand, well, how could I go wrong? A few times during our shopping the ladies would say "Well it was on sale" or "My kids need it". I finally asked one of them if their spouse would be upset and she said no so I told her to stop guilting herself. Advice I need to take myself.

I have become one of those jackasses that holds off on haircuts every 6 months and I need bras desperately, but being a busty gal, my bras easily cost $50-$68 a piece. Now my husband does not forbid me, he wouldn't entertain that thought, of purchasing the bras or getting the haircut. It is all me. And why? Because he is the only one bringing in cash and he pays our mortgage, taxes, water bills, food, gas and whatever else we need, so I don't want to spend the cash if I do not have to. So I sound like a martyr but at the end of the day, will you recall that Ann Taylor dress you got for $20 ten years from now? Probably not, especially if you no longer wear it and donated it to Goodwill. That doesn't mean I don't want to own it and look nice. I just prefer to wait until I have extra money and we are ahead of the game.

Now, last night we went to TJ Maxx because I needed a new pair of work out pants and he needed jeans. One of the many things I will give my husband props about is he dresses very nice and always looks handsome. This also means he has more clothes and shoes then me. Long story short, I bought a $7.99 pair of workout pants and he bought jeans, shirts and shorts. Not that he couldn't use them and not that he did not get everything on sale, but it just made me snap. I have had to make due with the clothes I have had and make them work. Everyone else around me seems to not have this concern and have closets full of clothes they have never worn, have yet to wear or only worn once. Petty and selfish, yes, but I admit fully I cause my own self-denial. I was ranting about that when my husband said to me, "I have been telling you to buy bras for months."

This made me insane. It has never been about the bra or the haircut, it comes down to the fact I have not received a paycheck since 2007. I got educated in a field I enjoy and cannot get a job in said field. Everyone always cavalierly says, "Work in a spa." I wasn't trained for that and I don't want to work on eight people a day only making money off of tips. Plus, I have looked and Massage Envy is the only one hiring and I would make just $15 a massage. Pass. And while I love writing, I will not get paid until I actually sell my novel. There is also the case of people looking down at you because you are a stay at home wife who only volunteers for hospice and is "dabbling" in writing. If I had kids no one would bother me, but then I find that ridiculous too. Why is it okay if I am home to raise kids but not keep house, garden and pursue writing? My head hurts as I am sure yours does by now as well.

Anyway, I must remind myself to not feel guilt about purchasing my bra or something else if I really need it. For everyone else, remember that even if it seems petty, sometimes you need to be a brat and have a breakdown. Once it is over you usually see clearer and can breathe. So if your loved one needs to vent, please let them. It will keep you both very sane.


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